I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
