My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You're a waste of cheezeits
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
