He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....