lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I checked into jail on foursquare
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.