I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Someone stole a lamp last night.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
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