Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
