does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Randomize
