3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
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I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
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Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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