I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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