Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
She needs sedatives and a leash
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
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