It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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