Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
