Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
