Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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