holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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