Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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