Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
