i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
