I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
