You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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