I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
