Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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