god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
