Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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