apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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