it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
