Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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