Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
