I haven't been this sober since birth.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Randomize
