Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
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