I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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