Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
