when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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