help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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