she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
