woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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