I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
