I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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