In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize