just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
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