I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
