Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
