I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Randomize
