Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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