Swine flu. Run for my life!
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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