I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
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I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
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I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.