my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Randomize
