Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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