the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
