I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize