I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Randomize
