Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
