are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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