There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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