I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
