i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Randomize
