I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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