yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
