Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
