why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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