I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
