I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
