I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus