This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
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