my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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