I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
